This post is by guest blogger Unlockable Character.
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Tom still blames himself for the death of Captain Stacy.I’ve always wanted super powers. I was never sure what powers I wanted, but being able to fly or turn invisible always seemed cool. If I had to pick a comic book character to copy, I would see myself as a Green Lantern.
I don’t think about what it would be like to be a superhero all the time, you know, cuz I have a life. But whenever a new X-Men movie comes out, I think about how I’d like to freeze stuff or light cigs with my finger and kick anyone’s ass who says I can’t smoke in Red Lobster.
But I don’t have super powers. They’re not a possibility. The most super thing I can do is remember to rinse out my Coke can before I toss it into the recycle bin. And that probably would be branded heroic by Al Gore if my recycling went toward reducing greenhouse gases and saving the environment. Like on My Name is Earl last week, when Earl “robbed a stoner blind” and then learned that reducing his wasteful lifestyle and living in a poop-covered house could save the planet, I could be just as conscientious. I could give a tune-up to my ’76 Chevy Vega and try to aim better for the dumpster when I throw my McDonald’s bag out the window (I mean, not try too hard, I’m throwing a bag of garbage out of a Vega; you can only expect so much).
So I don’t really fantasize about having special powers. At least I didn’t until I read Terry’s article on Marvel Ultimate Alliance. It made me have that need again, the need to grill a cheese sandwich with my heat vision or see through Lindsay Lohan’s dress (like who needs X-ray vision for that?).
And now I watch Heroes, that show where “real” people suddenly learn they can read minds, or generate radiation or walk through walls, and where a cheerleader is the key to solving a huge crisis. “Save the cheerleader. Save the world.” And not everyone is happy with their new powers.
If I had super powers, would having them be really cool or a major pain in the ass? To answer that, I’m looking at a book called The Physics of Superheroes by James Kakalios. Would super-speed rip off all my skin? Would a healing factor make my heart explode? I don’t know, I’m really bad at science and math.
They should make a Sims Heroes game that let’s you create a super hero character based on known physiological and economic and chemical properties. You know, maybe I could run 400 miles an hour, but only if I wear special clothes and eat 12,000 calories a day: so how do I get the clothes and how do I get all those calories down my gullet? Do I have to work for the government to get exclusive gear? Or for a wealthy benefactor? Am I a criminal until I can raise enough money to fund my heroics? Who would be my Mary Jane or Lois Lane? Who would be my arch-nemesis?
Will having super powers make me a better person or just a dick? It would be cool if they could program all those parameters into a computer game. Will I be a real hero or will I just hide at home afraid of crushing my own bones by sneezing too hard?
Or maybe I’ll just fly around looking awesome in my green Spandex bodysuit.
And I’ll save the cheerleader. I’ll save all the cheerleaders. Oh, yeah.