This post is by guest blogger Unlockable Character.
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Tom: proud to be a religious 8-bit man.There’s a lot of terrifying stuff in this world: eggs, fractions, Tom Cruise’s fluctuating height, clowns, olive loaf, American Idol, people who say “Wii,” dental hygienists, cotton balls… And because of all this scary stuff, I’ve found myself to be a religious man.
I’m religious. Seriously.
I’m not religious the way some people are with their one or two or twelve gods that watch over their lives and protect them from harm. I have lots of gods that I worship. At last count, I serve 272 gods. I used to have 271 gods, but then there was this accident with my zipper, and now I pray to the god that lives in my pants: “Oh, god who watches over my zipper and anything it might pinch, thank you, most beneficent Balzfrey.”
And because of all the attention I have to give to my gods, I don’t have a lot of free time to get outside and do stuff (some gods are so needy, don’t you think?). So I use my computer a lot and watch loads of TV. And I find it really cool when a teevee show I watch is generous enough to have a web site with games on it for me to play.
So here’s a short list of TV and movie tie-in games that are online and are totally free and don’t suck (mostly):
1. Soul Pool
You play 8-ball against a demon; you call your shot and if you scratch, your opponent gets to place the cue anywhere on the table. You can throw some magic at the shot, either to enhance your aim (”offensive spells) or to block your opponent (”defensive spells”). It’s a best of three match with some nice graphics, a decent story (you shoot pool for some girl’s soul; that’s why it’s called Soul Pool, duh), and a nice mix of spells for repeat play.
2. Any of the Monk games
I like Monk because he has OCD to such an extreme that he would injure himself rather than ignore his obsessive impulses. I have to admire someone who has that kind of commitment, even to an illness. I can’t commit to anything. I swear if I ever got cancer, it would just go away eventually because I would lose interest.
3. Blackout
You’re Ving Rhames with a Remington pump and a parking garage full of brain-eaters. Nuff Said.
Honorable Mention: The Simpsons: Zombie
Okay, so there’s not much to do but shoot zombies, BUT DUDE, you’re shooting freakin zombies! Do you really need anything else? Thought not.
Worst game is for The Host, which is the worst experience on the Internets (yes, all of them). This is just a sad 2-step not-a-game: aim your bow at the monster and shoot the monster until if falls in the water. Then wait until the monster swims close and shoot it again, to receive your congratulatory message: “Good Job. You killed the monster.” Then you can play again, since you obviously missed something. No game could be that pathetic. But when you see the message again, “Good Job. You killed the monster,” you will realize that the embrace of death, even a cold, sterile death with no promise of an afterlife is far better than clicking, “Play Again.”
So pray. Pray for relief. Pray to your gods. I have 16 gods that help me avoid stupid crap on the Internet. Or just go ahead and pray to your one god, loser.